Source: foluwasade.wordpress.com
My first failure in medical school was during my very first semester. To make it worse, my university does not offer re-sit system. Once you have failed, you have to repeat the whole semester. Also, just to add some salt to my pain, I failed my second semester as well. Therefore, I have to repeat my entire first year again. Definitely not an exciting way to start the journey as a med student, but it is probably the best way for me, I believe. From my failure, I’ve learned few lessons that might be useful throughout my whole life.
I’m a human
Despite we all look like a human being (unless if you’re cat who can read), we always forget that we are one. When was the last time you cut yourself some slack because you are a human? Like it or not, we do have limitations. I know excuses are not good but what if you genuinely had tried your best but yet to succeed? Of course you are the captain of your destiny and master of your fate, but sometimes there are things that are out of your control.
And even if that mistake is entirely your fault, there’s no harm in forgiving yourself. Previously (okay, I still do it sometimes), I always punish myself for every smallest mistake I did. I would bash myself and forget about self respect entirely. It is bad for my soul and also not efficient. You are just wasting your time actually. However, we are human and it is almost impossible to not criticize yourself. Therefore, I tried to shorten my self-bashing or throw myself a pity party for only 10-20 minutes. Then, I would gather myself and get back up to fight.
To analyse my mistakes rationally
If you have been through a failure, you will know how difficult it is to analyse your own mistakes rationally and that is… very normal. When I encountered my first failure, I cried for so many days and thought this is one of the universe’s ways of punishing me for not being nice (very immature, I know). However, it is crucial to analyse your mistakes rationally so that you won’t repeat the same mistake over and over again. Everyone is familiar with the saying, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall”- Confucius. Although it is really important to rise up after a fall, it is also important to understand why do we fall?
During my first semester, I failed a subject called “Professional Practice”. The main components of that subject are Australian’s Law and ethics which clearly I am not familiar with. Nevertheless, being a medical student, I am more interested in science of human body and overlooked this subject. Honestly, it required strength to lower down my ego for me to admit my mistake. However, once you have recognised what went wrong, you will know what to rectify.
Life is not a race
It is very common after a failure you faced; you will compare yourself with others. Despite knowing comparison is the thief of joy, I just keep on doing it because I just could not help it. I did this so many times; especially when I realise that I’m going to graduate at the age of 26, while some of my friends would already finished their houseman-ship at that age. The comparison does not end there, I would then compare myself with everyone because I thought life is a race and I definitely do not want to be left behind. I even feel sad when a 19 year-old Malaysian was accepted into Harvard and I, can’t even pass my first year of med school.
It took me quite a while to realise that life is not a race, life is a gift. There is a reason why everyone is different. Everyone serves a different purpose in this life. We are all on different paths and comparing just does not make sense. If you really want to be on a race, race with yourself. Be a better person from yesterday.\
It’s about the patients, really
One of the functions of exam is to ensure that you are going to end up being a competent and safe doctor. It does not measure your self-worth or dignity. Okay, maybe a bit but you are so much more than your academic achievements! Your result cannot tell about your kindness when you help a friend going through a break up, or when you prepared a dinner for your family, or even when you be a secret Santa to your lecturers. It does not tell about your secret talents, your ability to draw and etc and most importantly, your result does not define you as a whole. Some people might say I am sugar coating a failure, but the truth is, your result only reflects some parts of you.
It is really for your patients. When I see it this way, it feels so much better, at least to me. I really do not want to be a doctor lacking in knowledge and could not give the best for my future patients. Also, when you are doing something twice, you’ll definitely learn more things that you’ve missed earlier on. Only during the second attempt, I learnt about somatisation and history taking feels more natural rather than trying to fill in a template that I had in my mind. Although you will learn new things, there are times I feel tired for learning the same thing over and over again. During those times, I just tell myself “be patient for your future patients”.
Do not let your past define you
To be honest, once you have failed, the anxiety will sometimes knock on your door. Especially when you have negative thoughts such as “If I have failed once, I might fail again!” When this happen, always remember that your thoughts are not your reality. Just because you have committed few mistakes in the past, it does not mean you do not deserve a better future.
At the end of the day, just like how you need to define your own success, you too, need to define your own failure. Maybe your current failure is not a failure. It is just few hiccups before you get to taste the sweetness of success. Conquer your fear, have faith and keep moving forward.
This article is written by Arlina Arshad, a second year medical student at the University of Newcastle, Australia. Know more about her under the Young Columnists tab.